March 2020

Going Downtown for The First Time
- Lifestyle, School
Date: Around Beginning of May 2019

A friend met up with me after I helped out with the department of Psychology graduation on Friday, May 8th. I was a junior marshal. My friend, Aicha, said that she was going to celebrate her 21st birthday party tomorrow (Saturday night). I told her that I would come to celebrate with her and her friends. Side note, I really that she was older because of the way she partied when we were in France a few months back. Anyway, she “snapchatted” me what apartment complex she was living in and the plans for that night. From 10-12 pm, the guests would play/chat/drink at the apartment. Once midnight struck, we would go downtown using Uber and bar hop.
You have to understand that I have NEVER been downtown before. Me being the introvert that I am, being in crowded places and going to social events that deal with a lot of people drains my “social battery” quickly. Lucky I was with another person named Megan, who understood the feeling I was going through. Just thinking about being in a cramped place (mostly) gave me anxiety and something I was not looking forward too. Megan and I met once before at a French minor/major soiree a couple of weeks prior.
Anyway, I chatted with a couple of people at Aicha’s apartment as more guest was coming to her place to celebrate her becoming legal. As midnight was approaching, Aicha asked me if I wanted to go out with them. Oh boy, here comes my indecisive brain making choices. I told her that was not entirely sure if I wanted to go out. Downtown wasn’t my type of scenery. Regardless of what my decision was, she thanked me for coming out.
After a few minutes of arguing back and forth in my head, I finally decided to go downtown with my friend and her crew. When we arrived downtown, I did not realize that I would need to cash with me. Reminder: Partying and going downtown are not my typical scenery on a Saturday evening. We get to the first club called Still Life. They told us that it would be five dollars to get in the club or any club downtown for that matter.
Rant: I know some people who go downtown or party every weekend, especially being in college. I know I cannot afford to go clubbing like some partygoers. Spending five dollars will add up, plus whatever you spend on food and drinks. I repeat, I couldn’t do it or afford it.
They told us to get in the VIP line but it was to do so since you needed a card. So Megan and I went to a bar down the road. I did not like this bar, it was too crowded and you had to bump people in order to move around. We each got one drink and waited for the rest of the party to get out of the Still Life. At least 10 minutes went by when they texted us that they were leaving.
Megan and I waited on the curb and I tipsy and drunk college students. Some wobbling and some have people assisting them to walk. At this point, I was already to go home because my battery was beeping and telling me that I did to recharge and go to bed. I wanted something to eat as well but I left my car at Aisha’s apartment complex.
Long story short, we went to one more bar before Aicha went home early because she felt nauseated. Megan and I took a Lyft back and I dropped her to her place. And I was finally able to get some to snack on before going to bed.

Word of Advice

Be willing to try something that makes you comfortable because it is the only way to see what you will be able to handle. Uncomfortable situations helps us develop as a person and you will learn new things about ourselves that we may not have known if we didn’t step out of our comfort zone.

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Debating One Dropping That Class
- Lifestyle, School
Date: 1/8/2019

I am currently debating whether I should take a class that has bad reviews on the teacher. Honestly, I am excited to take a class on my heritage, the History of African-Americans. I know that I am capable of taking this class, but I know last semester I was going through last with my mental health that it resulted in being burnout and lack the motivation to do anything. I am scared that it could possibly happen again this semester. I know I can be doubtful at times but I have to take care of my health, so one day I can give tips to others who might go through something similar.
Students in the past have said that this teacher, in particular, does not give good lectures and expects you to know what the teacher is talking about. I haven’t had too many professors that were like this, luckily for me but not for others. Despite the reviews online, I wanted to check out the professor myself. If the reviews were right then I would drop the class and hope I could add another class at the same time. If the reviews were wrong, then I would keep the class.
It is two in the afternoon, I am sitting in the class and the professor goes over the syllabus. One thing “ALL” students love. The professor said that there would only FOUR grades for the entire semester. Four! Two exams, a paper, and the final exam. I was screaming internally. My body was trying not to panic in front of my classmates. Does this professor not understand how bad having four grades can be? The exams and paper were worth 25% each. If I need bad on one thing, then I really have to make sure that I do well on the other things. I told my mother about the class and my current situation. She said that I should do what is in my best interest. So, I ended up dropping the class and getting another class that would complete my minor but I know others are not as lucky as I am.

What did I learn?

I learned that some professors are willing to work with students. I was surprised by how nice the Political science office lady was. She said that she was able to put me in the class since it was already full. I was thinking about a stereotypical scenario where I would sit at the desk and the professor would say that they could not do anything about it and I should have signed up for the class before it got full. However, the lady and I talked about what we did over the break. You know the one thing some introverts like me, don’t like small talk. I thanked her for helping me out and said “Happy birthday!” since she saw the 21st badge. I also helped that I had the professor before. He taught an intro to leadership course during my freshman year.

Encouragement

Make sure that you read the syllabus on how to email your professor. Some professors will let you know what to put in the subject heading. Most professors are willing to help you if you ask properly. A few professors might not answer their emails, the next thing to do is to visit them during office hours. When you look at your college department website, there is a section for you to look for faculty. Click on your professor’s name and it will give you the location of their office. The majority of professors will post their office hours. Visit the professor during their set hours to discuss why you would like to be in their class.
For those, you are able to switch the class, make a point to show up to the course you switched into. Especially if the professor helped you get into the class. When they see students who do not show up to class, the professor might not want to help other students switch into their class and it could mess up future opportunities for students who really need that class. Be a good student by being attentive in class. I know it can be hard since most students like to take their computer to surf the internet. Take a notebook instead. You will remember things better when you write your notes instead of taking notes. In case, you are a slow writer like me, take notes on the computer, then transcribe the notes on paper. Be creative and use different colored pens or highlighters to highlight important dates, vocabulary, etc.
For those, you are not as lucky to switch classes like I was, still try your best to succeed in the class. As you progress through the class and the class is harder than expected, go to the professor office hours to see if they are able to explain in detail what you did not understand from the homework, exams, quizzes, etc. If the professor is the kind that is too intelligent to explain it in layman’s terms, go to the tutoring center. The tutoring center would have tutors for the classes that are difficult. If there is no tutor for that class available, see if a classmate will explain what you do not understand. Assuming that your classmate says yes, look at how they take notes and make their study guides. If the classmate says no, then go online to read different articles and videos on concepts that are harder for you to grasp. You have the ability to use your phone and computer access information that some people in parts of the world do not know. Use it to your advantage.

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Self-Reflection on Life
- Lifestyle
This is Another Poem Written Around the time my Grandmother's only living sibling--my great-aunt-- passed away and before the pandemic got extremely worse in the United States.

Title: If I Die
If I die tomorrow, would I be happy?
Yes, I would!

I lived my life helping others, learning new things and being goal-oriented!
But also, no, I had many emotions that caused me to not act like myself.
If I could, I would go back to change some things I have done. But you can’t, you can only reflect on your past.

Would you be happy?
With the life you left behind?

Did you live a life filled with purpose and joy or was it filled with pain, misery, and sorrow?
Can you say that you treated people with respect, love and kindness?
IF not, what would you change about the way you treated people? The mistakes you made? The life you created for yourself?

Think about these questions as each day goes by.
Remember that you can only get one life here on earth.
And you NEVER know when our creator, Jesus, will call you to be home with Him.

IF I die tomorrow,
Would you be happy with the life you would leave behind?

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Don’t Apologize
- Lifestyle
I wrote this poem during an interaction I had with an hispanic woman who was speaking Spanish to her mother we were leaving the doctor’s office. She apologized to me for speaking to her mother.

Don’t Apologize for your size.
Nobody’s shape is the same.
Don’t apologize for the way you look.
You can make your own beauty expectations.
Don’t apologize for speaking or learning a different language.
Do you know how many people you can help and connect with?
Don’t apologize for your voice.
Your tone can inspire, change, and move a community to be the best they can be and to be positive.
Don’t apologize for your religion.
We are all trying to live by our practices and standards to be a respectable, kind, and lovable. person.
Don’t apologize for your race.
One skin tone is not superior over another skin tone.
Being an unkind person will not help be successful in life;
Because we are not made to do life alone. So do not let negative words pierce your positive vibes.
Remember we have several ways to interact and connect with the people of the world.
Regardless of loss of one or more sense, abnormal brain development, missing a limb, etc.
We can train our brains to adapt and motivate, respond and react positively towards people who do not like ourselves.
So, DO NOT apologize for who you are.
The world is beautiful with you in it!

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Attachment Styles in Child
- Psychology
What is an Attachment?

In psychology, attachment is the emotional relation that links us to other people like our parents. Also, it describes the emotional and physical bond that is created between the infant/child and their caregiver (typically a parent). This theory is called attachment theory. Attachment theory was originated by John Bowlby.

Stranger Situation Study

The Stranger situation was created by psychologist Mary Ainsworth. It is an experimental procedure in which an infant’s reaction is monitored when their mother leaves the child in the room.
The study consisted of a sequence of events involving the participants (child, mother, and stranger). The procedure was comprised of eight episodes:
Mother carries the baby into the room while accompanied by an observer.
Mother placed the baby at a specific point in the room for the next three minutes. Mother sat quietly in a chair and would not engage with her baby unless the baby wanted attention.
A stranger entered the room and causally plays with baby while the mother is in the room. Eventually the other leaves the room
If the baby wanted to play then the stranger wouldn’t engage in pay with the child. If the baby was inactive, the stranger would try to engage with baby. However if the infant was distressed, the stranger tires to comfort or distract the baby.
Mother enters to see how the baby would respond when they saw her. Stranger leaves the room. After the baby settled in by playing with toys. Then the mother leaves after saying “bye-bye.”
The baby is alone for three minutes
Stranger enters the room and behaves like step four.
Mother comes back to the room. Stranger leaves. The experiment is done.
Dr. Ainsworth scored the behaviors on a 7-point scale between five classes: proximity and contact-seeking behaviors, contact-maintaining, proximity- and interaction-avoiding , contact-and interaction-resisting and search.

The Main Attachment Styles

There are four styles of attachment styles that have been discovered from the Stranger Situation study: secure, avoidant, ambivalent and disorganized/disoriented.

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment is when the parent(s) provide a reliable and secure base that makes their children feel confident. The children also feels confident in their parent’s availability. The parent is sensitive to respond when needed while the child explores the environment freely. When the child is able to explore the environment freely, there is a haven of safety created by the parents whenever the child feels distressed. The child can rely on the parent for comfort.

Ambivalent Attachment

Ambivalent attachment, known as anxious-resistent or preoccupied attachment, is when the child is not able to predict their parent availability. The parent are not responsive to the emotional needs. The child feels like the parent is unreliable because the parent does not respond to their needs at the given time. The child will develop an anxious pattern of attachment in which they are uncertain if they stranger will respond to their need or the parent will. Mothers do not let their child adventure off, explore and engage in autonomous activities (thinking for oneself and feeling independent).

Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant Attachment, known as anxious-avoidant attachment, is when the child ignores or avoid their parent. The parent is unavailable to the emotional needs or is not responsive to their child most of the time. The child learns prematurely how to be independent. It suppresses their desire to seek out their parent for comfort. Child build defensive mechanisms from the rejection by the parent to feel safe and relieve emotions of distress. The chid relies on self-soothing (conscious breathing, engaging positive self talk, …) and opportunities that seek attachment or support from others.

Disorganized/Disoriented Attachment

Disorganized/Disoriented attachment was the fourth classification brought up by research Mary Main and Judith Solomon. Their research found that the parents can’t create a secure base for their child. The child will show inconsistent and often contradictory behavior because their parents are unpredictable and send mix signals by being avoidant or resistant. Children are naturally hardwire to seek comfort from their parents but are afraid to do so. Child are described to have erratic or dazed behavior. Children with disorganized/disoriented attachment can develop into one of the other attachment styles.

There will be two other posts that will discuss the parenting style on each attachment and how these attachment styles influence the relationship in adulthood.

References

Ainsworth, M. (1978). The Bowlby-Ainsworth attachment theory. Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 1(3), 436-438. doi:10.1017/S0140525X00075828
Ainsworth, M. D. S., & Bell, S. M. (1970). Attachment, exploration, and separation: Illustrated by the behavior of one-year-olds in a strange situation. Child development, 49-67. doi:10.2307/1127388
Cassidy, J., & Berlin, L. J. (1994). The insecure/ambivalent pattern of attachment: Theory and research. Child development, 65(4), 971-991. doi:10.2307/1131298
Cassidy, J., Jones, J., & Shaver, P. (2013). Contributions of attachment theory and research: A framework for future research, translation, and policy. Development and Psychopathology, 25(4pt2), 1415-1434. doi:10.1017/S0954579413000692
Catlett, J., M.A. (2018, December 28). Avoidant attachment: Understanding insecure avoidant attachment. Retrieved March 08, 2020, from https://www.psychalive.org/anxious-avoidant-attachment/ Davis, S. (2018, October 22). Anxious/ambivalent attachment style: An examination of its causes and how it affects adult relationships. Retrieved March 08, 2020, from https://cptsdfoundation.org/2018/10/22/anxious-ambivalent-attachment-style-an-examination-of-its-causes-and-how-it-affects-adult-relationships/
Duschinsky R. (2015). The emergence of the disorganized/disoriented (D) attachment classification, 1979-1982. History of psychology, 18(1), 32–46.
Firestone, L., Ph.D. (2019, March 14). Disorganized attachment: How attachment forms & how it can be healed. Retrieved March 08, 2020, from https://www.psychalive.org/disorganized-attachment/
Howe T.R. (2011) Disorganized/Disoriented Attachment. In: Goldstein S., Naglieri J.A. (eds) Encyclopedia of Child Behavior and Development. Springer, Boston, MA
McLeod, S. (2018, August 5). Mary Ainsworth. Retrieved March 08, 2020, from https://www.simplypsychology.org/mary-ainsworth.html#sec
Mikko J. Peltola, Marinus H. van IJzendoorn, Santeri Yrttiaho. (2020) Attachment security and cortical responses to fearful faces in infants. Attachment & Human Development 22:2, pages 174-188.
Orloff, J., M.D. (2018, October 18). Self-soothing strategies: 8 ways to calm anxiety and stress. Retrieved March 08, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empaths-survival-guide/201810/self-soothing-strategies-8-ways-calm-anxiety-and-stress
Pelly, J., M.A. (2019, September 27). What Is Avoidant Attachment? Retrieved March 08, 2020, from https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/avoidant-attachment#what-does-it-look-like
Pelly, J., M.A. (2019, September 27). What is disorganized attachment? Retrieved March 08, 2020, from https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/disorganized-attachment#prevention
Plotka R. (2011) Ambivalent Attachment. In: Goldstein S., Naglieri J.A. (eds) Encyclopedia of Child Behavior and Development. Springer, Boston, MA
Weinhold, J. (2018, July 24). Are you attachment-informed? Retrieved March 08, 2020, from https://coprofdevcenter.org/are-you-attachment-informed/
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My Mentors
- Lifestyle
January is National Mentoring Month

In 2002, Harvard School of Public Health and MENTOR (National Mentoring Partnership) launched a national movement to promote and recognize mentors for their positive impact on the youth.

Mentors are people who can provide guidance and support. Mentors have experience on things the youth could be currently going through. I asked Mr. Taimak and Portia Willis of Greenville if I could interview their journey as mentors. They answered a few questions. They are mentors and leaders of the Bridge at Koinonia Christian Center (KCC).

The Bridge is a young adult ministry for people between 18 to 35; that helps enhance, encourage and empower people.

How did their Story Began?

In 2015, KCC was looking for people who were willing and available to lead the Bridge Ministry. Mr. Taimak and Portia were the couple willing to lead the Bridge into greatness. I wanted to know why did they want to become a mentor? Mrs. Portia believed it was her duty to give back and be able to share information to those who need it. Mr. Taimak responded to the question by saying “I had to always been a mentor for kids since he was in high school.” he continued to state that mentors are what is being missed in the community. That’s true. About 1 in 3 young individuals will grow up without a mentor. It is important to have mentors that guide and influence growth in children to do more beyond what they think is impossible.

Who influenced you to become a mentors?
Mrs. Portia was inspired by her mother and the elders of the church. Mr. Taimak agreed with the response his wife gave. What also influenced him were his parents to become the mentor and leader he is today.

Most Difficult and Best Leadership

As they were developing to become mentors, I asked them what leadership skills were the most difficult to develop? Mr. Taimak said communicating what your need while being real and supportive. The most challenging skill for Mrs. Portia was her logical side (things that make sense) tapping into the spiritual side (taking time to develop with God). Another challenging skill was “speaking the truth in love.” What she meant by her quote was speaking so people will not feel offended by what you say.
Now, let’s shift gears and speak about your best leadership skills you have developed as mentors. Mr. Taimak chimed in by saying that caring about people. Letting people know that care about them as a person. Mrs. Portia commented being intuitive. Being able to hear what others are saying without being forward.

Approaching The Work-Family Life

“Effective communication is key to balancing work-family and being appropriately serious about the right things such as God and family” said by Mr. Taimak. Carrying on the conversation by explaining the need to having a social life as well. I added that if you are constantly going to helping your family, working at your job, and providing for the community, you can get burned out. It is important to take time for yourself and do things you enjoy. Mr. Taimak pointed out that it takes focus, having fun and being able to finish tasks. You need a strategic plan. You will need to be willing to put yourself in uncomfortable situations because you are not going to know how to do everything. You can’t sprout your seed and grow if you are living comfortable. Mrs. Portia noted that having conversations with young woman about what it means to be successful and discuss the behind the scenes (the daily effort and foundation) as well.

How Do You Want People to View You?

They wanted to be viewed as a couple who love each other, people who serve God, the people around them and their children.

Conclusion

I appreciate my mentors taking the time out of their busy lives to answer my questions. I am grateful to have a couple to look up too. I enjoyed getting to know who they are. This is one story of many mentors who inspire people like me.

How has your mentor impacted your life?

Have you told your mentor “Thank you?”

Would you become a mentor? I know I have!

For more information on the Bridge and National Mentoring Month, please click the embedded links below!
The Bridge at KCC
National Mentor Month

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